Freedom

It is one of those nights again. I am forcing myself to go to sleep knowing that it would be a feat fetching no avail. But yet I contend my wide open eyes in hopes it would tire of the insomnia still captured in it.

I don't like these kinds of nights because in them I start to think. Too much. Way too much. I don't like these kinds of nights. And I like them.

I think about things. Memories flood me. Why's, How's, What Ifs begin to bathe my head in retrospect of the past day, week, year… life.



Tonight I thought about a conscious decision I made last year and it almost brought me to tears.



All my life, I have been able to go through any situation, be it pain, happiness, sadness, gladness, sorrow, joy with a minimal amount of a display of emotion. If and when I do display them, I immediately regret it and seize it back into me and keep on… walking. As I grew older, it became almost impossible for me to continue to do that. When I was sad, I cried uncontrollably. When I was happy, I sucked the source of it dry. When I was in sorrow, I felt like I was going to die. That was me. However, these things happened in season and times and just like their simile, they would leave and I would continue on, [not necessarily learning any lesson in the process].



Last year dealt me blows though that concentrated on destroying that in me without intending to. The intentions were to destroy me. In God's blessing however, I believe in the Creator of heaven and earth; therefore, it ended up destroying the evil and leaving me be.



During the trying times of last year towards the middle of it, I felt myself regressing to that which I used to be. I had had enough. It was time to forget; to shove it all as far back into the recesses of my mind as I possible could and continue on with whatever I could delve into to make sure it never reared it ugly head back into my thoughts. It was in one of those moment when in absolute helplessness, I knew that I could not come back to that again. Not again. Not ever again.



I asked God to deal me that pain in all the intentions in which it was meant to release me. I told Him I was not ready to feel better. I did not want to dive into a lot of work to keep from thinking. I didn't want to take whatever medication I was given to make me feel less anxious or to feel less depressed. I did not want to see a therapist and I wasn't going to. (I am NOT disproving or dissuading anyone from doing any of these. I just didn't want to). I did not want to easily have this come and go again…



…and again.



And He did. I felt sorrow like I'd never felt before. In that time, I ate less, much less. I was reclusive, I was quite useless, I had moments when I walked around in a zombie-like state. My mind didn't really think of anything but the pain I was in and the pain I had always been in. I was angry without trying not to be. I was dark and cold and helpless.

In that time also, I found God. His word meant everything it was supposed to mean in my life. I remembered things, hurts, happiness, laughter. I remembered me, the way "me" was ordained by her maker to be. The way "me" had found pleasure in doing it the way everybody but the potter had made her to be. Most of all, in that time I learned to forgive. I realized that all the flaws I had, had been hurts manifesting themselves in undeserved ways. I let it go. I gave it all to God. I forgave those who had caused me pain and cared for those who hurt me. (That is HARD!) I let it go.



Lord of hosts! (Insert relieving laughter here)

Psalm 126: When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy….



I am sitting here on the couch in my mother's living room and I have tears threatening the rims of my eyelids. I have never had that happen before. I have cried for many things in my life. I have cried for being in the brink of tasting what freedom tasted like and stopping just short of that finish line. Not having just that last bit of gusto to finish. I am sitting here and for the first time, I am crying now because I know it. I know what it is that in all my wisdom and knowledge, I proudly know nothing.



Nothing but this: You (Lord) will keep in PERFECT peace, Him whose mind is stayed on You. Because He trusts in You. (Isaiah 26:3).



I am not completely done being pruned. After the marathon and crossing the finish line, there will be pies, wint-o-green mints, chocolate eclairs and such like. If I need to be ready for this marathon called life, I need to make a conscious to ensure to make brussels sprouts a food group in my life. I am not done being pruned I don't want to be. I am in no shape or form perfect or near it. God likes me this way though. Always yearning for more…



…of Him.